The death of a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences we have to live with. In this section we present some thoughts and ideas about bereavement and loss, which we hope will be helpful to people who have experienced the death of someone close to them.
Bereavement
When someone we love dies we may feel a range of emotions, this is sometimes referred to as a process, a series of emotions - this is grief.
Grieving is a natural and healing process that does not work to particular time scales - for some people the grief they feel will go on for the rest of their lives, for others it may reduce over the years to an occasional experience of distress and pain at certain times.
Grief is experienced in different ways for different people, but grieving people and those who support them often notice similarities or patterns in the way people feel and talk after the death of a loved one.
Grief is experienced in every aspect of a person's life - it effects the way someone feels and thinks, their relationships with other people and all their social contacts, it may also create physical pain - such as headaches, sickness and susceptibility to colds etc.
If you have been bereaved you may feel totally alone and isolated with your sadness, but you do not have to be on your own if you don't want to be. The following points may help you:-
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It may help you to talk about how you feel - if none of your family or friends are able to do this - you could seek support from your local Cruse, GP surgery, or other bereavement support or counselling service. (Sometimes people say that just talking will not make a difference - but research has shown that when we talk about emotions and worries, we use different parts of the brain so that it does actually make a difference to how we process the information and think about things.)
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Other people may try to tell you how to grieve - We all deal with grief differently - as long as you are not hurting anyone else or breaking the law you can express your grief in which ever way you want to.
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Grief does not keep to particular time scales - if you are still really sad after two years that is entirely understandable, another bereaved person may feel ok after 18 months - it's how you feel that counts - other people don't have the right to judge you for how long you need to grieve.
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It's good to keep special items of the person who died close to you, keeping a link or bond with a loved one who has died has been identified as helping bereaved people. Learning to live with grief is not about forgetting, its about adapting to the new challenges of living without that special person.
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Sometimes people who are grieving find that they need to have a break from the feelings of sadness- they may enjoy a tv programme for half an hour or go out with friends for an evening and have some fun and then go home and feel really sad again. It's ok to not be sad all the time, it doesn't mean you don't care, just that you sometimes need a break from your grief.
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Alternatively if you feel sad most of the time that is entirely understandable as well - the death of a person we love is often one of the worst events we have to cope with, it's sometimes about just learning to manage one day at a time
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If family and friends don't appear to know what to do or say, ask them to try talking to you and finding out what you need- people are often scared of saying the wrong thing and so say and do nothing - you could tell them what you need them to do for you.
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Anger is a part of grief - but try not to let your anger take over your whole life, express it in the best way you can - by shouting as loud as you can in the middle of nowhere, or by hitting a pillow, listening to loud music, or by doing physical activity. Try not to take your anger out on other people as it will probably not help in the long run.
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Be kind to yourself - bereaved people often feel gulity about the death of a loved one - often this is unfounded and misplaced - if you beleive that you genuinely have something to feel guilty about it may be worth talking this over with someone - a friend or a counsellor - from Cruse or your GP for example - Guilt can be very damagaing, so it's worth finding help and talking.
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Look after yourself - eat properly, keep yourself warm and do things you enjoy like occasionally relaxing in a hot bath or seeing friends- it's important to remember your own needs. Neglecting yourself will not help the person who has died - and in the long term will make you feel worse.