Hope House Siblings website

Bereaved Children

WHAT DO BEREAVED CHILDREN NEED?

If you are caring for bereaved children it may be difficult to decide how you can help. Here are a few ideas we have come up with at Hope House from our experiences of supporting bereaved families since 1995.

When families are struggling with their own feelings of sadness and loss it is sometimes really difficult for parents to help the children in the family as much as they want to. This information is here to offer support and ideas to parents and families, but never forget that you know your children better than anyone, and you are probably doing all you can to help and support your them in the best possible way. This may just help to confirm what you are already doing or give you a few more ideas. If you would like to discuss any of the issues in this section in more detail please contact any members of the Social Work Team or Val at Hope House.

INFORMATION - which is clear and age appropriate. It must also be truthful, if children are not told what is happening they may try to make sense of the death or the loss of the person in their own way, which may be more frightening and upsetting for them. They may even believe that the death is their fault or that the person who died left them because they did not love them enough. Not talking to children about the death is not protecting them - children cannot be protected from significant bereavement - as they will be uspet and will miss the person who has died. If they are not told what is happening they will know that they are being left out of something important - this will probably be more damaging and upsetting than knowing what has actually happened.
USE THE REAL WORDS - try not to use euphemisms such as "we have lost him," or "she has gone to sleep," or "he has gone on a long journey" etc. These will only confuse and possibly be more frightening. Explain what dead and died means - that the person cannot talk or speak and is not in pain any more - like when a pet died or when some flowers or a plant died. Children may not understand that the person who has died will not come back, so they will ned to be gently reminded of this often.
EXPLANATION -adults need to take the time to explain what has happened using words that the children will understand. Children may need to ask questions again and again as they try to understand what has happened. If you cannot answer them find the right person and perhaps ask them to talk to the child - your GP, or a nurse, paediatrician or other consultant, funeral director, social worker etc.
HELP TO EXPRESS FEELINGS - the adults around bereaved children will teach them how to manage and understand their own grief. If these adults can be open and honest about their feelings - that it's ok to cry and be sad, and also to talk about the person who has died and of happy and sad memories, this will help the children to do the same. Young children may need help to express their feelings - possibly through playing, drawing or painting. Using puppets sometimes helps as well - a child may be able to use a puppet to say the things they feel unable to say themselves.
BEING INVOLVED IN SAYING GOODBYE AND FUNERAL PLANS - it is a common feeling that children should not go to funerals. Often children who have been prevented from attending funerals are very angry and resentful and feel that they have been left out of a really important and special family event. The funeral should be explained to them in terms that they will understand, including what it is for and how it will run, so that they can decide for themselves whether they would like to attend. This would include what the coffin is, what a burial or cremation is and who will be there. Perhaps the children could be given a role in the funeral to choose some music to be played or draw a picture to go on the coffin. Our experience and all reserach on the needs of bereaved children suggests that where at all possible children should be enabled to attend the funeral of a significant person.

Bereaved Children

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